February 1st, today, is the Feast of St.Brigid.
I wish I had remembered to say her prayer on Wednesday.
On Wednesday Eoin and I
One of the hundreds of these he has taken in his short life.
drove down the road to take Bridgie for her first day of school.
All the way there I felt at peace with our decision to send her to this school.
In my heart I knew that she was ready but that I really was not.
"She's mine!" I kept chanting in my head over the last few months of making this decision.
She's mine and I don't want to share her with YOU.
What I came to realize on that 25 minute drive to the school is, something that I have known since that first cockeyed glance she gave me on the day of her birth, that she is not mine.
She has been given to us to care for in this life. Given to us to guide and protect to the best of our abilities. Given to us to learn big lessons from. Given to us to share with the world.
Bridgie has things to do. And this I have also known from her birth.
"She's going to do whatever she damn well pleases".
And who am I to stand in her way.
Who am I to try and shield and guard her.
Who am I to try and keep her from people and learning and friends.
Who am I but the one to help her on her journey.
She will do big things, of this I am certain. She already has in turning my almost deadened heart into a heart of glee.
She will push us on this journey and we will balk and stall and kick and scream but eventually we will see.
Taking Bridgie into the school I carried her. Once inside I handed over the paperwork
to the secretary and realized we were way too early. Now I had to contain and restrain her in this little office for 15 minutes.
She just wanted to run.
Run down that great big hallway into the unknown.
Into the great big world.
And all I wanted to do was contain her, restrain her.
It became a battle and she screamed and pinched and pushed and hit and I held on tighter and tighter and told her No, No, No.
And when the time finally came and I said Yes, Yes, Yes,
She grabbed the therapists hand, put on that too big backpack, and started marching away.
I took out the camera, only wanting a picture of their backs, and the therapist tried to turn her around for the picture and she tried to escape and yelled. Once back around I heard the strong slapping of her footsteps down that great big hall growing quieter and quieter until I swooped up Eoin and hid my tears of fear in his hood.
I felt weak, nauseous, and paralyzed. I had thought of driving to Whole Foods during this time but now that was entirely too far away. We crossed the street to the Kmart and I walked around in a daze while Eoin looked at Angry Bird toys.
I wound up spending $200 on who knows what.
Most of which will be returned when she goes back on Monday.
We left Kmart for the McDonald's next door for the ultimate comfort food....
French Fries.
When we went back to pick her up, I said "Eoin, did you miss Bridgie" "No".
He had not been worried.
In fact he wondered if she had had a job like he does at his school.
He and I will enjoy our alone time together for the next few months.
Finally, I heard the faint slapping footsteps as they got louder and louder and rounded the corner.
I took one look at her and her at me and I knew we were both Changed.
On the way home we talked all things school.
I thought she would fall dead asleep but she jibber jabbered all the way home doing all kinds of hand motions I've never seen.
She now says "skoo" and "eacher".
We have a long road ahead of us.
But I think we are in good hands.
Saint Brigid
You were a woman of
peace.
You brought harmony where there was conflict.
You brought light to
the darkness.
You brought hope to the downcast.
May the mantle of your
peace cover those who are troubled and anxious,
and may peace be firmly
rooted in our hearts and in our world.
Inspire us to act justly and to
reverence all God has made.
Brigid you were a voice for the wounded and the
weary.
Strengthen what is weak within us.
Calm us into a quietness that
heals and listens.
May we grow each day into greater wholeness in mind, body
and spirit.
Amen
