Beyond the Suck...

 

Embrace the Suck


I am not sure of the origins of said phrase and not really up for doing the digging to find out.


The Marines?

Chris McCormick uses it to describe the Ironman experience.

Cross Fit athletes use it, I don't know and well don't really care the origin.

What I do know is that when it comes to physical challenge and physical uncertainty in any type of endurance event I am more than willing, happy even to


EMBRACE THE SUCK

When faced with physical challenge and the need for physical perseverance I'd give myself an A+.


In the real world realm of family, kids, and life when faced with challenge and perseverance of the emotional type I'd give myself a D.


I can feel the suck, I can see the suck, I can hear the suck

And all I want to do is run away from the suck.

Anxiety, depression, fatigue, weariness, paralysis.

Physical symptoms of an emotional crisis.

I wish I was exaggerating and many will think I am.

I have this remarkable ability to see what is happening to me, to see how to change it, to see the error of my ways, to see the damage it causes.

And a remarkable inability to DO.

I've been down this road at least twice before.  I know the signs and I can read the signs.

But adhering to the signs takes time.

Last Sunday I stood in my new kitchen, looking out my amazing new window, at the amazing back yard view.  I knew what I should be feeling.

Gratitude, contentment, happiness.

All I felt was empty.

But I looked down into my hand at the full bottle of hope.

The translucent orange bottle with the white cap.  The kid proof cap.

I pushed down and turned, removed the cap, and poured out a few of the small white and blue pills.

I filled a glass with water, I placed the small white and blue pill in my mouth, took a sip of water.

Swallowed.

Looked out that same kitchen window and saw the same view.

This time I did not feel so empty.

Medication is not the 'Answer'.  But at certain times it is necessary.

I have often thought of those white and blue pills as my biggest weakness.

I now know those pills keep me from making my biggest mistakes.

Three years without them, two of them great.

A year of unending trying, persevering, struggling, and learning.

I am happy for the experience that I will no doubt revisit again but for now

I will continue to look out that kitchen window looking for gifts.

At times I will feel full at times I will feel empty but inevitably I will

Move beyond the suck.


I didn't know....

 

 

 

 

I didn't know sending Bridgie to school was going to paralyze me.

 

I didn't know that something so simple as sending a child to pre-school would be so complex.

 

I didn't know that I would be so emotional, irrational, and confused.

 

I didn't know about the new fears and pressures and logistics.

 

I didn't know that I would flounder and flail and fret.

 

I didn't know that I wouldn't have the answer.

 

I didn't know.

 

 



How do you know...

 

 

 

It's time to go back on medication.

If you are a person who deals with depression you know that it can ebb and flow.

You know, after many bouts, what the signs are.

You know, when you are not a crier and you are crying bucktets.

You know, when you are an avid exercise enthusiast and you can't even fathom 20 minutes.

You know, when you could close your eyes anywhere and fall asleep.

You know, when you crave ice cream more than that time of the month.

You know, when you are so angry at yourself you could spit.

You know, when you pick up the phone to call your doctor and your hand shakes and you wonder if you are going to cry on the phone with the secretary.

You know, when nothing gives you joy.

You know it's time to tear the roof off the mother sucker.....

 

 

 

 

3 pm Monday

St. Brigid

 

 

February 1st, today, is the Feast of St.Brigid.

 

 

I wish I had remembered to say her prayer on Wednesday.

 

On Wednesday Eoin and I

 

One of the hundreds of these he has taken in his short life.

 

drove down the road to take Bridgie for her first day of school.

 

All the way there I felt at peace with our decision to send her to this school.

 

In my heart I knew that she was ready but that I really was not.

 

"She's mine!" I kept chanting in my head over the last few months of making this decision.

 

She's mine and I don't want to share her with YOU.

 

What I came to realize on that 25 minute drive to the school is, something that I have known since that first cockeyed glance she gave me on the day of her birth, that she is not mine.

She has been given to us to care for in this life.  Given to us to guide and protect to the best of our abilities.  Given to us to learn big lessons from.  Given to us to share with the world.

 

Bridgie has things to do.  And this I have also known from her birth. 

 

"She's going to do whatever she damn well pleases".

 

And who am I to stand in her way.

 

Who am I to try and shield and guard her.

 

Who am I to try and keep her from people and learning and friends.

 

Who am I but the one to help her on her journey.

 

She will do big things, of this I am certain.  She already has in turning my almost deadened heart into a heart of glee.

 

She will push us on this journey and we will balk and stall and kick and scream but eventually we will see.

 

 

Taking Bridgie into the school I carried her.  Once inside I handed over the paperwork

to the secretary and realized we were way too early.  Now I had to contain and restrain her in this little office for 15 minutes.

 

She just wanted to run.

 

 

 

Run down that great big hallway into the unknown.

 

Into the great big world.

 

And all I wanted to do was contain her, restrain her.

 

It became a battle and she screamed and pinched and pushed and hit and I held on tighter and tighter and told her No, No, No.

 

And when the time finally came and I said Yes, Yes, Yes,

 

 

 

She grabbed the therapists hand, put on that too big backpack, and started marching away.

 

I took out the camera, only wanting a picture of their backs, and the therapist tried to turn her around for the picture and she tried to escape and yelled.  Once back around I heard the strong slapping of her footsteps down that great big hall growing quieter and quieter until I swooped up Eoin and hid my tears of fear in his hood.

 

I felt weak, nauseous, and paralyzed.  I had thought of driving to Whole Foods during this time but now that was entirely too far away.  We crossed the street to the Kmart and I walked around in a daze while Eoin looked at Angry Bird toys.

I wound up spending $200 on who knows what.

Most of which will be returned when she goes back on Monday.

 

We left Kmart for the McDonald's next door for the ultimate comfort food....

 

French Fries.

 

When we went back to pick her up, I said "Eoin, did you miss Bridgie"  "No".

 

He had not been worried.

 

In fact he wondered if she had had a job like he does at his school.

 

He and I will enjoy our alone time together for the next few months.

 

Finally, I heard the faint slapping footsteps as they got louder and louder and rounded the corner.

 

I took one look at her and her at me and I knew we were both Changed.

 

On the way home we talked all things school.

 

I thought she would fall dead asleep but she jibber jabbered all the way home doing all kinds of hand motions I've never seen.

 

She now says "skoo" and "eacher".

 

We have a long road ahead of us.

 

But I think we are in good hands.

 

 

 

 

 

Saint Brigid
You were a woman of peace.
You brought harmony where there was conflict.
You brought light to the darkness.
You brought hope to the downcast.
May the mantle of your peace cover those who are troubled and anxious,
and may peace be firmly rooted in our hearts and in our world.
Inspire us to act justly and to reverence all God has made.
Brigid you were a voice for the wounded and the weary.
Strengthen what is weak within us.
Calm us into a quietness that heals and listens.
May we grow each day into greater wholeness in mind, body and spirit.
Amen