Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12: 16-18
Retard, Retarded.
Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.
There must be some chinks in my armour.
It's been three days or more and my heart still pounds out of my chest as I recall the events. I no longer have prickly heat or tears.
After stepping away to bathe the children, I am back to my normal resting state. So here goes.
T'was the Friday before Christmas, when dinner was cooking
The children were watching Peppa Pig and not Mickey the mouse.
Mama was finishing her decaf coffee, checking email and blogger
Who knew one last look at facebook would evoke such ANGER.
One of my dear friends posted a very simple status update that immediately garnered two quick responses, quick witted responses.
The first was something along the lines of WTF? Are you kidding me?
The other was simply:
R-E-T-A-R-D
Whodawhatta?
(T.V. Time out)
Okay, pulse back in check. What follows is my response to the individual who authored that response and the banter that gets created. This is word for word so pardon the French.
Me: Mr. Blank you are absolutely the most assanine individual I have ever...you know what you are NOT Worth it. Perhaps you were trying to compliment my wonderful friend and compare her to my daughter Bridgie who resembles that remark. GET A LIFE.
Him: I've known Blank for almost 20 years. She was the maid of honor in my wedding and her husband was my best man. And vice versa. If you live in such a humorless world where it's all about you....too bad. Go fuck yourself.
Me: You find calling someone Retard funny. I call it cruel and uneducated. Perhaps you would like to say that in front of my daughter who has Down Syndrome. My daughter who is beloved by your friend and her children.
Him,well not Him, Him's wife:
hi Cindy. This is Blank, Blank's wife and Blank's good friend from college. I think this has gone far enough. No one set out to personally attack you or hurt feelings My husband and I are very kind people. We are not cruel or uneducated. It was a remark that was made to Blank and not to you. Again nothing cruel was intended and we are sorry you have such anger towards us.
Me: I'm sorry that your family feels using the word Retard is appropriate. Merry Christmas.
After a night of contemplation on both sides the following transpired.
Him's Wife:
Hi Cindy, I can understand your anger and frustration as I am a mother as well. I do not know you and my husband did not invite you into a conversation about his comment yesterday. It was something you chose to do. I also understand your need to judge my family and I and think the worst of us. But you don't know me and are not familiar with any experiences that I have had in my life. I think you would be surprised to actually know who I am and know my experiences with working with children. My Husband made a remark that was mindless and obviously hurt you. But please know that at no point did anyone set out to offend or upset anyone . We all make mistakes as I'm sure you have done so at one time or another. We are sincere in wishing you a happy holiday and hope that you can forgive a mistake that was in no way intentionally made.
Me: You bet I can forgive and that I have been and will continue to analyze my behavior and continue to seek guidance in how to deal with such situations in my life as they will only continue. I will say that I was invited into the conversation as facebook is an open forum for anyone of her friends to see. If this experience has caused people to rethink their behaviors and to choose their words more carefully, then it was worth it.
(T.V. Timeout)
So, shall we say that the holiday weekend started with a bang?! I am in no way proud of my behavior and will admit that I was unable to post to his response on the initial thread because my friend erased it hoping I would not see it so I went to his page and sent the angry message. I can honestly acknowledge that this is truly the first angry response I have had to the oft used word since Bridgie's birth. I usually share my experience with the word with Jerry, we analyze it, often chuckle and shake our heads, and think of how we might of responded if we were not so flabbergasted at the time. Believe you me this does not fit any of the ways we have discussed.
I have two theories about the anger. One is the numerous ill humored responses this man has had to my friends posts over the years. He has always rubbed me the wrong way with his 'humor'. Two is my high level of anxiety surrounding the holiday's and such. Neither excuse my angry outburst but both shed light on why my normally calm, calculating, demeanor was erased.
Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.
Luke 6:37
All experiences are learning experiences. Sometimes we are quick to learn and sometimes it takes a while. In Grand terms, this was a quick lesson and necessary for what was to come on Christmas Day. And no I am not refering to the Christ Child.
While enjoying a family function, Bridgie and I sat on Grandmas Piano Bench listening to the sound of other peoples conversations, not really in any of the conversations. One of Bridgie' s Uncles started asking me questions about Bridgie's progress and what the timeline looks like for walking and talking. While finishing this conversation, I overheard someone, an adult, say "What am I retarded or something?"
I prefer or something...
The shaking and the anger were there again, but this time so was Bridgie. I used this as my time to switch locations.
So, these things happen. Often. And while I would love to spew my anger all over the place or use my fists to beat sense. My children are watching. And some day they will be Bridgie's primary caregivers and I want them to be content in these roles. Soon, ever so soon, Erin will come home from school and ask me what retard/retarded means.
I am not sure what I will say to her. It will depend on the situation and the context and the characters involved. But I do know that I want to be calm and rational so that I can help her understand and process the world we live in.
While I still have seeds of Anger about the topic, I am willing and able to forgive those who have and who will say it in my presence. I pray that I can find loving words to help educate and create compassion in those who choose to use Retard and other derogatory words and phrases in everyday language.
I will not judge. Because I am not perfect. I have sinned and continue to sin. Yet God continues to love me, guide me, and work through me.
Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.
Matthew 7: 1-2
Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night.
Linking up with Shell at Things I can't say for pour your heart out.
Cindy-once again you have moved me. I can completely understand where you are coming from. WE ALL need to be more cognicent (SP?) of our words.I don't feel that word has any place in our vocabulary. There is a horrible stigma with it and has developed into such a slang term that it IS offensive!
ReplyDeleteI love you all. People need to be called out for their actions and words so it will maybe prevent them from continuing their ignorance. I know that i have used this term casually and it is not something i am proud of. I think instead of people trying to defend themselves for using the word retarded or other types of inappropriate language they need to take responsibility for what they say. Instead of arguing, perhaps a simple, "sorry" would do. Keep doing what you are doing. God has a purpose for everything and hopefully you and Mr. Blank and his family will be able to learn something from this experience. -jackie
ReplyDeleteI love you all. People need to be called out for their actions and words so it will maybe prevent them from continuing their ignorance. I know that i have used this term casually and it is not something i am proud of. I think instead of people trying to defend themselves for using the word retarded or other types of inappropriate language they need to take responsibility for what they say. Instead of arguing, perhaps a simple, "sorry" would do. Keep doing what you are doing. God has a purpose for everything and hopefully you and Mr. Blank and his family will be able to learn something from this experience. -jackie
ReplyDeleteI cringe at the word every time I hear it and see it, and I have done so way before Bridgie came into our lives. That word has no place in our vocabulary anymore. Shame on anyone who thinks it does.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for commenting. Unfortunately, I think it turns into a habit for some and just requires conscious effort to erase. I usually hear adults using it in reference to themselves and teenagers using it toward each other. Frequently, overheard in the pool locker rooms after swim team practice.
ReplyDeleteIt's like people think that it's okay to use that word as long as they are just joking around... they don't realize how hurtful it can be. They need to think before they speak!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that some people are so thoughtless. And I'm sorry that the wife of the offender gave you an "I'm sorry, but..." I admire you for working to be nonjudgmental. The lack of taking any responsibility on their part makes my blood boil.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I hear my students use that word, I stop the class and talk about what the word really means and why it is unacceptable to use it in the way so many people do. I hope that a few seeds are planted that way.
I've become more sensitive to hearing that word ever since reading your thoughts on it. A coworker of mine is especially "generous" in her use of it. I have told her that it's an especially offensive word to me, but I also understand that it's another of those words that people don't really consider the real meaning of anymore. Cindi, do you feel the same way about "idiot"? I use that word a fair amount because to me it feels fairly benign, but I wonder what your feelings are?
ReplyDeleteRecently I saw a public service message on TV about how it is not acceptable and often hurtful to use the "R". Finally!
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't feel bad about your anger it is a secondary emotion many times because of hurt and hurt for our children is the WORST.
I cringe too every time I hear it. I also hate confrontations so find it hard to point out to someone about what they just said. Hopefully you bringing it up to this guy, and whoever else read the thread, will think before using it. I also had an experience over Christmas w/a family member using it. I interrupted him and said in a shocked voice, "don't use that word!" Later on I realized he is not on FB, he doesn't read my blog, we don't live near each other and don't talk all that often ... so he probably had no idea how I felt about the R word and why it would bother me. I now plan on sending an email to explain it all to him.
ReplyDeleteOn a totally different topic - you won the Crunchmaster crackers from my giveaway!! I remember in your comment you mentioned you were going to put her on a totally GF diet after Christmas but that she will be tested for celiac at her 2 yr appt. I sent you an email about that, but I believed it was returned to me so I'm not sure if you ever got it or not. Just in case I wanted to mention that she can't be on a GF diet before being tested for celiac, otherwise the blood test will be inaccurate because she won't have any gluten in her system to pick up on. She needs to be on her regular gluten diet before being tested so the blood work will show the antibodies.
Please send me your address and phone # so I can get the shipping information to the company to mail out your crackers! Congrats!